The last month or so hasnt been easy. I went back home and had a wonderful visit with my family, but when I came back, things have kinda gone to shit.

I had an interview for my externship only to find out it was for medical billing, involved absolutely no coding, which is what I went to school for, and wouldnt even meet the minimum weekly hours I needed. So that was a fail. And Im still currently waiting for my externship coordinator to find me something, all the while dealing with all of the elders in my family chastising me for not “going out and getting a job” or “making a name for myself, knocking down doors for work” because “thats how we did it in my day”.

Trust me, Ive tried. But if Im going to qualify for my externship, the facility has to be approved by my school, and I signed a contract saying I was not going to be looking elsewhere for work so I could dedicate myself to the externship. I can suggest sites to my coordinator, but cant get experience independently outside of that. So here I am, sitting at home and twiddling my thumbs, waiting for something to pop up and happen. Im ready to say screw you lady, Ill find work on my own. But what good is that gonna do when I have NO experience. Needless to say, patience is not one of my virtues. How the hell am I going to have children?

Speaking of little shits that test your patience, I finally got the balls and made an appointment with a doctor for my fertility – or lack thereof. So at the end of the month, I will be sitting across from a new OB/GYN telling them how weve gone 16 cycles with no luck.

I feel like Im in limbo. Like I cant make future plans for fear of interfering with my externship or possibly being pregnant. My girlfriend wants to do a ganja girls getaway down in southern California and Im so excited and Im going to be saving up for it…but what if I get pregnant between now and then? Unlikely, given past history, but still. My husband wants to go on a week vacation at the end of this month and see the Grand Canyon and visit Las Vegas. Amazing right? No. Im terrified that were going to get everything planned out and Im going to get a call saying I have an externship lined up.

This limbo state is just making my anxiety fester and thats causing me to hermit up in my safe little shell and of course, thats when my depression loves coming over and saying Hello. Misery loves company, am I right? I know that logically, if I get pregnant, I just get a refund on my tickets and still go down, even for a night to see my girlfriend. And if I get another externship interview, I go to it and let the boss know that from this day to this day, Im unavailable. Simple in theory. Terrifying in practice.

I like structure, routine, familiarity. But with everything just being so up in the air its making me feel crazy. And I dont deal well with crazy. Mostly, Im just tired of having to financially rely on my husband. Trust me, I know exactly how lucky and spoiled I am. I am blessed beyond compare and I dont take it for granted. But Id like to be able to make my own money and be able to buy something for my husband thats not actually from him. “Happy birthday, I used your credit card to buy you this. Have fun paying that off!”

On top of all this, the quest to lose weight and exercise and get enough water in on a daily basis. Well my diet cant really be classified as a diet. Unless you call eating a whole medium pizza by myself while binging on the newest season of OITNB the latest diet craze. So good right? Now granted I dont do that every day. Hell, some days I barely make it to 1500 calories. Other days, one meal consists of that much alone. Theres no consistancy. I have no control over what gets made for dinner. Due to the controlling nature of my household, I dont get to cook dinner for myself and my husband. Whatever is cooked, I eat. Sometimes we go out to eat. Sometimes, I go to bed without dinner. Every day is a surprise.

So Im in Limbo and feel like theres no light at the end of the tunnel. Theres really nothing I can do but take it one day at a time and make little checkpoints to strive towards, like take a walk down to the gas station or take my car to the car wash and clean it inside and out. Something little I can attempt to do every day to give my days some purpose.