Waiting for my world to change

The last month or so hasnt been easy. I went back home and had a wonderful visit with my family, but when I came back, things have kinda gone to shit.

I had an interview for my externship only to find out it was for medical billing, involved absolutely no coding, which is what I went to school for, and wouldnt even meet the minimum weekly hours I needed. So that was a fail. And Im still currently waiting for my externship coordinator to find me something, all the while dealing with all of the elders in my family chastising me for not “going out and getting a job” or “making a name for myself, knocking down doors for work” because “thats how we did it in my day”.

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Trust me, Ive tried. But if Im going to qualify for my externship, the facility has to be approved by my school, and I signed a contract saying I was not going to be looking elsewhere for work so I could dedicate myself to the externship. I can suggest sites to my coordinator, but cant get experience independently outside of that. So here I am, sitting at home and twiddling my thumbs, waiting for something to pop up and happen. Im ready to say screw you lady, Ill find work on my own. But what good is that gonna do when I have NO experience. Needless to say, patience is not one of my virtues. How the hell am I going to have children?

Speaking of little shits that test your patience, I finally got the balls and made an appointment with a doctor for my fertility – or lack thereof. So at the end of the month, I will be sitting across from a new OB/GYN telling them how weve gone 16 cycles with no luck.

I feel like Im in limbo. Like I cant make future plans for fear of interfering with my externship or possibly being pregnant. My girlfriend wants to do a ganja girls getaway down in southern California and Im so excited and Im going to be saving up for it…but what if I get pregnant between now and then? Unlikely, given past history, but still. My husband wants to go on a week vacation at the end of this month and see the Grand Canyon and visit Las Vegas. Amazing right? No. Im terrified that were going to get everything planned out and Im going to get a call saying I have an externship lined up.

This limbo state is just making my anxiety fester and thats causing me to hermit up in my safe little shell and of course, thats when my depression loves coming over and saying Hello. Misery loves company, am I right? I know that logically, if I get pregnant, I just get a refund on my tickets and still go down, even for a night to see my girlfriend. And if I get another externship interview, I go to it and let the boss know that from this day to this day, Im unavailable. Simple in theory. Terrifying in practice.

I like structure, routine, familiarity. But with everything just being so up in the air its making me feel crazy. And I dont deal well with crazy. Mostly, Im just tired of having to financially rely on my husband. Trust me, I know exactly how lucky and spoiled I am. I am blessed beyond compare and I dont take it for granted. But Id like to be able to make my own money and be able to buy something for my husband thats not actually from him. “Happy birthday, I used your credit card to buy you this. Have fun paying that off!”

On top of all this, the quest to lose weight and exercise and get enough water in on a daily basis. Well my diet cant really be classified as a diet. Unless you call eating a whole medium pizza by myself while binging on the newest season of OITNB the latest diet craze. So good right? Now granted I dont do that every day. Hell, some days I barely make it to 1500 calories. Other days, one meal consists of that much alone. Theres no consistancy. I have no control over what gets made for dinner. Due to the controlling nature of my household, I dont get to cook dinner for myself and my husband. Whatever is cooked, I eat. Sometimes we go out to eat. Sometimes, I go to bed without dinner. Every day is a surprise.

So Im in Limbo and feel like theres no light at the end of the tunnel. Theres really nothing I can do but take it one day at a time and make little checkpoints to strive towards, like take a walk down to the gas station or take my car to the car wash and clean it inside and out. Something little I can attempt to do every day to give my days some purpose.

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Facing My Obsession

And by obsession, Im not talking about Supernatural. My other obsession.

Alright, so its time to go home. Im excited. Also nervous. But mainly excited.

Im going back to Texas for a little vacay before starting my externship. My family from Germany is coming to the States and my Grandma is forcing my ass down there because its most likely going to be their last trip to America.

Its been hectic trying to plan this trip. Its so last minute and Im not a very ‘last minute’ type of person. I have to have a plan, and my plans have to have plans. I have to plan to be spontaneous. So to book a trip just ten days beforehand was stressful, but now that its sunk in that Im going home, Ive calmed down a bit. Just a bit. Only because I have plane anxiety. If theres the slightest bump of turbulence my immediate thought is “Oh my god, this is how I die.” and a panic attack sets in. Thankfully I have a Xanax on standby for just the occasion.

Other than that Im going to be forced to face my biggest demon: Tacos. Oh yes, how I love me some tacos. Ive been going to this one place by my old middle school since…well since middle school. The best flour tortillas youve ever had. I can literally eat four tacos in one sitting, and let me tell you – they aint small. I mean, everythings bigger in Texas right?

My food addiction started in that restaurant. My Dad would bribe me with my favorite tacos so I would go to church with him. I knew that if I didnt go to church, I wouldnt get those delicious tacos, not to mention Sunday was the only day they served Barbacoa (can I get an amen?). And it just spiraled from there. Now dont get me wrong, I do not, have not, and will not blame my addiction on my Dad who was just doing his best to raise me. Its just the first place I can remember consuming my mind in regards to food.

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But on top of that awesome taco place, theres Bill Millers and their amazing sweet tea, Whataburger with those delicious fries, and of course I cant forget my grandmothers cooking. So, as you can tell, temptation runs rampant and my biggest fear is that Im going to eat all the things to the point of killing myself. Hmm. Death by taco, not gonna lie – sounds like a good way to go. I have a feeling though, that the techniques Ive learned and implemented over the past several months will help with that.

Ive been tracking my cravings and watching my portion control and writing down every morsel that gets shoved into my gobhole. I plan to continue this practice during my travels.

So thats my little update. Until next time, Yall can go to hell – Ill be going to Texas!

 

Listen Up!

So I guess I should preface this with few things: First, this has little/nothing to do with my diet update, so if thats what you tune in for, feel free to skip this. Also, names have been changed for identity purposes and will be marked by ‘*’. And lastly, it comes with a warning.

:::TRIGGER WARNING::: Pregnancy loss, Infertility, Feels

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Ok y’all, so Its National Infertility Awareness Week. AKA #NIAW April 23-29, 2017. Ironically, Today marks a tragic day for me in history. I was eighteen and carefree and thought the world was my oyster. In other words, I was sexually active and not giving a damn. I was going steady and sleeping with my boyfriend at the time, Shithead McAsshole*. I had know him since we were tots and then bam! puberty hit and once we reached high school and got back in touch, we fell in love. Or what I thought was love at the time. But I digress.

The morning of April 26th, 2007 started like any other. I got ready, picked up my friends and got ready to head to the lake. It was senior skip day and even though my two friends were juniors, they were down with ditching with me. We had a huge breakfast at Jims diner and I was so full and happy. Hindsight twenty/twenty, I was eating for two and didnt know it. But we were soon on our way to Canyon Lake with fishing poles, floaties, and sunscreen in hand.

Ashley* and I were swimming in the lake as Charles* was chilling in the shade. After about an hour of swimming and splashing, I started to feel crampy and bloated. I thought it was because of the huge breakfast I ate so we came back to our quiet camp on the shore so I could lay down and relax in the sun; after all it was a day meant just for that. After about ten minutes of laying down, the cramping got alarmingly worse. I threw up out of the blue and had my friend call 911 once I realized something was incredibly wrong.

Now, we were in the middle of nowhere, on the outskirts of a remote lake. I had driven my friends there in my car, and neither of them could drive, let alone, drive a stick. The ambulance comes and takes me away to the nearest hospital. My friends called my mom and she and my grandfather were thankfully able to find them. My grandfather took my friends home and my mom took my car and drove straight to the hospital to see me.

Before my mom got there, the nurses informed me that my urinalysis had come back with a positive pregnancy result. I immediately burst into tears. I wanted to be a mom so bad, but not like this. Not with a boyfriend who was immature, verbally abusive, and oh yeah, completely convinced that this baby wasnt his and that I had cheated on him. I didnt want that. I wasnt strong enough to handle that.

Twenty minutes later my mom came in, already aware of the news and she told me that we could do this.  And I believed her. I knew if my mom could take care of a hell-raising teenager (me) on her own, then I could handle a baby, with her help of course. A trans-vaginal ultrasound was performed and I was too obsessed with seeing my little bean on the screen to notice the look of concern on the techs face.

Fear slowly turned into excitement, which then quickly turned into heartbreak. The Doctor came in, looking like she just came straight from her white coat ceremony and she delivered the bad news: My pregnancy was ectopic, and my tube had ruptured. I was bleeding internally and needed emergency surgery. They tried to go through my belly button laprascopically, but ended up having to open me up Cesarean style. After four blood transfusions and a six hour surgery that not only removed my right tube and ovary(including the nine week old fetus) but also a left ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit, I was released into the ICU in stable condition. Recovery was a bitch, but I was assured I would have no trouble having children in the future. Ha!

Fast forward ten years exactly. I sit here typing out my story. Now knowing the heartbreak and wild emotions that goes with the infertility struggle. 14 months of charting and tracking cycles, hundreds of dollars in natural herbs, and a shit ton of ovulation and pregnancy tests. That translates to crying every month my period shows up, wanting to scream and punch a wall when I dont ovulate, and sobbing with every negative pregnancy test. Im lucky to have an amazing, loving, and supportive husband who will one day make an even better father. Im ready to be a mom but my biology is shaking her head with attitude.

I write this, not looking for pity or sympathy, but understanding and sensitivity.  Because theres people out there who say some really hurtful things albeit having good intentions. Theres the “Oh just relax!”, and the “Stop trying, itll happen when you least expect it!”, or “Everything happens for a reason!”, and of course, my all time favorite “God will bring you a baby when He knows youre ready!”

If you have ever said this to someone who is trying to have kids, STOP IT! And stop it NOW! Just shut your mouth, because the next time someone says something like that to me, theyre gonna get a sassy response.

~Yes, let me just relax. Why didnt I think of that? Do you also tell cancer patients to relax and theyll be healed?

~If I stop trying, Im damn near guaranteed to not get knocked up. But if you stopped trying to be an asshole, youd still be an asshole.

~If everything happened for a reason, Id be barefoot and pregnant right now with more babies than the damn Duggars, ok? And I can tell you right now – Im only barefoot.

~God, doesnt decide when I get pregnant, I am not the virgin Mary. Science and biology decides when I get pregnant.

So as you can see, these little quips, that even I am guilty of saying, can be hurtful to someone who longs to have a baby in their arms. A thousand things have to go right to get a BFP (thats trying to conceive jargon for Big Fat Positive) And even after that, women with PCOS or other hormonal disorders risk having miscarriages or stillbirths.

So this week is to bring awareness. If you are struggling – you are not alone. If you have lost hope – hope is out there as well as a massive supportive community. If you encounter someone who is struggling – be kind and dont offer any unsolicited advice unless asked. Sometimes a hug is all I need. Other times I need to whine about my uterus trying to kill me. Also chocolate. I always need chocolate.

Spread the word. Be aware. Dont give up hope. We will be parents. Somehow, someway.

We are 1 in 8 who struggle with infertility!niaw2

 

Work In Progress

Everything is a work in progress, am I right? Yeah. It just sucks when you stick to a diet hardcore for three weeks and see no change. Literally, less than one pound weight loss and no inches lost either. I have a little more energy and Im a little less hangry; so thats a plus.

So in celebration of completing three weeks of dedicated healthy eating, the hubby took me out for Chinese food. Also because I was craving salty, oily, MSG goodness. That was our cheat meal. Weve been sticking to plan ever since but all Im craving is chocolate and sugar. And I have a bag of candy hidden away in the closet. I mean, I totally could get down on some and no one would ever know. Because if no one sees me eat bad food, then those calories dont count, thats how it works, right? No? Well fuck you too.

Annnyyywaayy… Guess who passed their exam? Me! Woohoo! I have my orientation for my externship through my school later on this week. I have to do 160-230 hours of on the job training in order to qualify for one year of “real” experience, even though most jobs require at least two years to be considered qualified. So basically, I need experience to get a job, but no job wants to hire someone with little to no experience? Im not sure how that works, but thats how it was explained to me. Apparently, thats life. So Im hoping I find a good place that likes me and that I can work with after my externship is over.

Thats all I have really, not much to write home about. So Im kinda just twiddling my thumbs until I can get started. Im perfecting my work at being a domestic engineer, and working on myself.

 

 

Starting Over

Do overs are a thing, right? Yeah, I think so. Lets do that. Lets just pretend this is my first post and Im super excited to tell you about my latest diet plan. Except, Im not really all that excited. Im cautious, and skeptical. And honestly, kind of defeated.

Let me back track here for a second. So late February I took me state boards… and failed with a 68%, and I needed a 70 to pass. So I almost passed, or barely failed? Fuck it, Whatever. Now, the AAPC gives everyone one free retake because the majority of people DO end up failing the first time. I thought knowing that would help but I still felt kicked down. Anywho… Im retaking the exam on April 8th, which is in like two weeks (No pressure, right?). Ive been studying like mad and have researched all the tips and tricks I can for attacking this bitch of a test again. Fingers crossed.

So because of that (among other things), Ive fallen into a depression. Its a high functioning, yet silent depression; Im able to still make and laugh at jokes, have a sweet date night with the hubby, and occasionally go out and have a nice time with my family. But its like I have this cloud above me all the time; occasionally its raining so hard I cant move, but most of the time its just there, quietly looming over my head. I have hermitted myself up in my room and do pretty much nothing but study, laundry, watch Netflix, and study.

Ill find out if I passed or not on my moms death-aversary (thats a thing right?). She passed away, very suddenly, four years ago on the 13th of April and I still have to hold myself back from calling her and telling her whats going on. We were very close and to be completely honest, extremely emotionally codependant of one another. It was a tumultuous relationship to say the least, but at the end of the day, she was my best friend and I miss her fiercely.

Well that was fun right? All depressing and shit. Shall we move on to the exciting new diet part? Ok cool. Its not that exciting because Ive done this before. Its Atkins – No carbs. No sugar. No joy, basically. Well I cant really say no joy because my husband is one hell of a chef and he can make me forget Im eating a dinner that has very little to no carbs. He cant, however, make me forget that I cant have ice cream or chocolate. To say that sugar is my weakness is an understatement.

Ive done Atkins in the past and have seen results (40 lbs loss). I want this to be the last time I do this, but like I said earlier, Im skeptical. Its so much easier when my husband does the diet with me, which he is. So at least I have that. For now.

The first three or four days of the diet are the hardest. The body goes from burning carbs for energy to burning fat. So as my body loses the carb intake and makes the switch, my energy is depleted, I get headaches, and just generally feel like absolute dog shit. But after that, I feel awesome. I have what seems like endless energy, I sleep fantastic, and feel great. Better than I do eating processed foods with a shit ton of carbs. Shocker, I know!

So today is day one. My weight is 309.6 lbs and I am a very hangry hippo. But I got this. Ok, no I dont, but Im gonna got this.

Until next time. Keep on trucking. And Ill do the same.

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Life Update

Hey everyone!

So its almost March, I cant believe it! Where has the time gone? Lets catch up, shall we?

So this past Saturday I took my CPC state board exam. I have a good feeling but Im still super anxious while I wait for the results. The past few weeks I have been through hell preparing for this damn test. Its the biggest test Ive ever taken in my life. Ive had panic attacks, Ive lashed out at friends for no reason at all (well, at the time I had a reason, an illogical and emotional one, just because I was stressed). But all in all I have a good feeling I passed. I took my time and really focused on every single question. I had 5 hours and 40 minutes to answer 150 questions and I finished with five minutes left.

And of course the days leading up to the exam, my cat, Buuber, got sick. He couldnt pee and we had to take him to the vet where he stayed for three days. Poor baby. Hes doing better now but hes still doped up and being watched closely.

And on top of all that, Ive been dealing with family drama. My brother-in-laws’ on again off again girlfriend is pregnant with his baby…again. First of all, my brother-in-law, is a waste of space. He is a drug addict and he sleeps on a beanbag in our loft because he has no job, no ambition, and nowhere else to go and his grandma makes him her charity case. His girlfriend isnt much better, though she does hold down a job.

Heres my problem with that: We have been trying to conceive for over a year now. We are mentally, emotionally, and most importantly – financially stable enough to have a child. We want one and are doing everything we can to make that happen. And Im throwing a tantrum because its not fair that couples like my husband and I who want this so bad and who can take on the responsibilities of reproducing have to seek medical treatment for just a possibility of conceiving, and then these lazy drug users get pregnant on accident. And even after previously aborting her first pregnancy with him because she ‘couldnt see him as a fit father’ and she ‘didnt want to raise a baby with him’, she decided to keep it this time.

So Im upset, bitter, and jealous. Its not fair and it sucks even more because its happening under my roof and being thrown in my face. These next 30 something weeks are going to be hell and I am NOT prepared. And because of all of the combined stress, my diet has failed. Or I have failed my diet. Yeah…that one. Im shoveling food in my face trying to bury my feelings. The only good thing is that I have been walking a lot more lately with my dear friend. So thats helping stave off the weight gain.

I guess now is the time for the fertility update: I am going to be scheduling an HSG procedure (Hysterosalpingogram) after my next cycle or so. Basically its where contrast gets shot up through my uterus to see if my remaining tube is blocked. In 2007 I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and my right tube and ovary was removed. So this test will see if I can still conceive with the remaining parts I have left. Im taking prenatals and my husband is taking vitamins as well. We are hopeful this test will be the last stop on our road to a baby, but well just have to take things day by day.

So for now, I wait. I do laundry and take care of my fur baby and hang out with friends until my exam results come in. From there, Ill have a 160-240 hour externship before hopefully landing a job. All the while enjoying my husbands love and support as we carry on, hand in hand through our journey of this beautiful life.

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Happy New Year

Holy crap! Its 2017! Thank god! I was worried that 2016 would never end. This past year has been full of tears, some happy, and unfortunately, a lot sad. I got married to the man of my dreams and so far I still like him.

But Death was busy this year, not only taking many beloved celebrities, but also two of my Aunts, and a close friend. There were curve balls thrown that I didnt see coming, and somehow we managed to jump those hurdles. Im looking forward to a fresh start and a clean slate.

Now Im not going to give the whole “Its a new year and a new me” bullshit, because thats…well its bullshit. I change constantly, adapt to new scenarios in life, and try to come out at the end not looking like a complete train wreck.

*(Segues are hard)*

I got a fitbit for Xmas and I fell in love with it. Its my new shiny toy and I will love it forever(Thanks Hubby!). From the data gathered over the past week, Ive seen that, even though my heart rate while exercising is a little high for just a brisk walk uphill (158 bpm), my resting heart rate is normal (74 bpm). So my ticker seems to be in ok shape, now for the rest of my body to follow. If only it were that easy.

But I have an army surrounding me, helping me make this change and holding me accountable at every step. One of my best friends (Yes, I have more than one. Deal with it) is a plus size model like yours truly and we have a remarkable bond. We both share the insane and comforting bond with food, we both breathe heavy when we walk faster than a snail, and we both know and understand what its like to be seen and misunderstood by people because of our size. She gets me like no one else has before and Im so thankful for her.

I have several other friends stepping up and giving me encouragement and being my cheerleaders, and for that, I am beyond grateful.

Lets recap shall we? Im getting back to focusing harder on my diet, and Im finishing up with school. I will thrive. Im going to take my CPC exam and crush it, and Im going to be healthy.

This is my year and my resolution is simple: Love myself.

I wish you all the best of luck this year. I hope you find happiness and peace and whatever it is youre looking for.

 

Happy Holidays!

Hooray! Its almost Christmas! Anyone else excited? Im thrilled, as this is the first time in a few years that the Christmas spirit has finally tinkled on me!

But that means cookies, chocolate, pie, and since Im Italian – Cioppino! Actually, that last one is delicious and fairly low in calories, unless you were to count the wine that flows freely with that meal, but I digress.

So hows my diet going you ask? Good question. Meh. Thats my answer. Im not losing, Im not gaining. So maybe thats a little better than meh. But I guess thats what I get for being that dumbshit that goes on a diet right before the fun gets started.

Ive been sticking to my meal replacement shake for breakfast and sometimes for lunch. Ive been snacking, not entirely on veggies, but on cookies and chocolate. Im proud that I havent eaten those snacks to excess like I have the past…twenty something years. Ill have three or four pieces of candy compared to downing the whole bag until Im sick and hate myself. But the sugar hound in me is still feigning. Most days I go over my allotted calories but its not by much. But Im making better meal choices, chewing slower, and I stop eating when Im full.

So Im going to keep trucking through the year with a sense of decorum. Being from a big Italian/German family, eating is bonding, and laughter is the center of our household. Im not going to deprive myself of the holiday treats that I love so much, but Im not going to go overboard. Because I refuse to let myself be miserable while everyone around me is laughing, drinking, and eating.

So with that being said, I wish you all a Happy Holidays and a very Happy New Year. Be safe, hug your family and friends and tell them how much you love them.

Wishing you well

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Cravings Suck

Guh! Cravings are a bitch! And yesterday was the worst! My inner hangry hippo was in full fledge rage mode.

All I wanted was Taco Bell, but my stupid, amazing husband wouldnt let me get some. (God bless him) Instead he took me to the grocery store where we bought healthy veggies, kimchi, some sourdough bread and spinach dip. So instead of cheating on my diet, I had a decent, although fairly high (but still in my range) caloric meal. It wasnt Taco Bell, but it was mighty tasty. As good of food as I had, the portion was probably too much, but I didnt go over my allotted calories for the day, and I would definitely call that a win!

I logged my emotions throughout the evening and it was clear that what I was feeling had an effect on my eating/craving urges. I was in a blah mood with a constant dull headache all day and food was all I could think about. My lady time should be showing up in the next four to five days and I was trying to smother the evil demon bitch that lives inside me from coming out and lashing at anyone who dared cross my path. Being nice can be exhausting.

So, all in all, yesterday was a success regardless of my cravings.This is one of the first times in history that I can remember not giving into the things I wanted to eat. I hated it at the time, but Im grateful today for my choices and the unwavering support of my husband.

This morning my scale said 299.8lbs! Im officially (albeit barely) out of the 300 range and hope to never see that number below me again.

Thats all for now! Ill check back in when I hit the 5lb weight loss mark or I find that I have something really important to say.

Scale of Wonders

To weigh or not to weigh? That is the question.

Today Im going to explain why I weigh myself everyday…yes EVERY single day. I wake up and lift my pretty, sleepy head off the pillow, go to the bathroom to do my business, strip down to my birthday suit, and step on my scale. Its my favorite part of my morning routine.

Now, please bear with me here. I know a lot of people that are like “Oh, but youre so pretty, the scale doesnt define you…blah blah blah.”(see ‘inspirational’ picture below) Duh. Dont you think I know this? Obviously, Im not going to weigh myself one morning to get a text message from my scale saying “Youre so beautiful”, or wake up to find out that Im 100 pounds lighter. Thats not logical. Ok, well maybe the text message thing is a thing. Im not Marty McFly, I dont know the future people!

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The scale is just an instrument. I get that, really I do. But the number that pops up every morning gives me a ton of information. And none of that information is cosmetic. Its science people!

My scale shows me if Im on the right track with my diet. It can tell me that even if I am doing well diet wise, that I may be a little bloated and shark week isnt too far off. It shows my patterns and trends. It lets me know that my body may be changing. It holds me accountable, and most importantly it keeps me grounded.

Because on top of taking my weight every morning, I take a mental assessment too. Am I happy?(The answer is usually no, because Im awake and havent had coffee yet) Am I constipated? Do I feel skinny? How does my hair look(Amazing, as usual). These kinds of questions prepare me for my day. Im not discouraged if I see weight gain, because thats information I can use to keep pushing myself forward, or maybe my diet/exercise routine has hit a plateau and I need to step up my game.

Those ‘inspirational’ people are right. The scale doesnt define me, I refuse to let it. But keeping a consistent log of my weight helps me finds patterns that can help me decipher different things about what my body is up to.

I guess its because of my medical background. Im going to school for medical coding and when it comes to my anatomy, I look at it in a medicinal sense. So every day, I get on the scale to see how Im changing, how I feel and where I can improve. Ya know, for science.

The body really is an amazing thing, what are you doing with yours?